How to Define Your Family Values

Values are our moral and ethical principles. They often guide our decisions and influence our lifestyle choices. You probably have a good understanding of your individual values. However, defining your family values can be a bit more complex because it requires taking other people into account. Nonetheless, there are effective ways to identify your family values through analysis and communication.

Analyze Your Priorities

Step 1. Identify Your Family and Personal Values.

Identify your family and personal values. Values are both important and individual, yet few people actually choose their own. Instead, most people follow the values instilled in them during childhood. To analyze your values, think about your upbringing and identify the principles you absorbed.

• Consider specific values. For example, did your parents value religion, education, or wealth? How did this influence you during your formative years?
• You might ask your parents to discuss their values with you. Inquire about what they consider family values and how they instilled them in you.

Step 2. Analyze Major Life Decisions.

Analyze the major decisions in your life. Reflect on your past values and take some time to contemplate whether you have maintained those ideas throughout your life. Examine the significant choices you’ve made. Does your family life reflect the values you originally held? Or have they evolved as you aged? Such questions will help you identify your own values.

• You can also think about your career choices. For instance, if the pursuit of social justice is a core value for you, did you choose a career path that aligns with it (e.g., a social worker)?
• One way to discover your values is to look at how you spend your money. Do most of your expenses go to entertainment? Travel? Or do you donate a significant amount to charity or pursue political causes?

Step 3. Consider Common Values.

Consider common values. Make a list of all the values that are important to you. This is a great way to reflect on values for all family members. Ask each family member who can write to create a list. Then, rank the values in order of importance from each list to determine which ones are most significant for all of you.

• Common values include honesty, peace of mind, care, generosity, health, humor, learning, wisdom, leadership, and compassion.
• Think about your family when considering values like interaction, financial stability, humility, and patience.
• Try to think about values within categories. For instance, categories could include personality, career, family, friends, and health. Look at the list of values and figure out which category each belongs to. This organization will clarify what is most important to you.

Talk with Your Family

Step 1. Ask Questions.

Ask questions. After spending some time reflecting on your personal values, it’s time to see how they align with the rest of your family. To do this, you need to communicate effectively with one another. Start the process by asking questions.

• Invite family members to join you in discussing values. Begin with open-ended questions, such as: "What’s most important for our family?"
• You can also try asking: "What makes you happy? How does that impact our family?"
• Here are some more good questions: "What makes you most proud of our family?" or: "What do you look forward to when you come home?"
• You might also ask: "What bothers you about our family?" and: "What do you get from family that friends don’t provide?"
• Allow each family member to answer these questions individually. Then, you can openly and honestly compare answers.
• Encourage family members to ask questions too.

Step 2. Be a Good Listener.

Be a good listener. During the family discussion, it’s important for everyone to demonstrate good listening skills. To show you’re engaged, ask clarifying questions. For example, if your partner mentions that they value honesty, ask how that can be emphasized more in your family.

• You can also use non-verbal cues to show you are listening. Nod your head while someone speaks and smile—this shows the person that you’re supportive of what they’re saying.
• Try to minimize distractions. Ask everyone to put away their cell phones and turn off the TV during this important conversation.

Step 3. Reinforce Your Family Values.

Reinforce your family values. After spending some time discussing and enjoying quality time together, you can start to define your family values more clearly. Take time to sit together and create a list of the most important options. You can think of these values as the unwavering principles your family agrees to live by.

• By documenting this, you'll help family members clarify the shared values.
• Try to write down items like "helping the community," or "religion/spirituality," or "honest communication with family members."
• Encourage each family member to choose three to four values they consider most important. Together, this will give you a manageable number of values to add to your permanent list.
• For example, you might choose "safety" as one of your family’s core values. Each family member can then share how they will uphold this value. You might promise to never speed while driving, while children might pledge to always wear helmets while biking.

Step 4. Make Sure to Include the Kids in the Discussion.

Make sure to include the kids in the discussion. Approach this process as a family decision. If your kids are old enough (e.g., teenagers), ensure they feel like an important part of the process. Say something like: "We value your input. How do you feel about including education among our core family values?"

• You might also encourage kids to explain their opinions. Try saying: "What do you like about this choice? Why do you think humor is important for family values?"
• If your kids are too young, find other ways to involve them in the process. Ask them to draw what they love about the family.

Step 5. Formulate a Mission.

Formulate a mission. After analyzing values and discussing them with your family, you should have a good idea of how to define your family values. One way to solidify them is to formulate a mission statement. This document outlines your family values and can also include goals. The mission is an official declaration of the values you share as a family.

• Write down what the purpose of your family is and what the strategy is to ensure you stay focused on that purpose.
• Try writing an introduction that explains why your family chose these specific values. You can mention that your family is committed to these values to promote good life choices. The introduction doesn’t need to be long; one paragraph is sufficient.
• List the values. You can categorize them, such as "health," "happiness," "peace of mind," and "stability." Then, outline a family strategy for upholding each of these values.
• You might print the mission statement and frame it. Hanging it in your home is a great way to remind each of you about what truly matters to your family.

Put Your Values into Action

Step 1. Think About Your Values Daily.

Think about your values daily. Spend a few minutes each day checking in with yourself. At the end of each day, consider asking yourself questions. Try to think: "How do my actions today align with value number one? What about value number two?" This will only take a few minutes of your time but can be very helpful in keeping you focused on your values.

• Encourage all family members to develop this habit. Once the mission statement is in an easily accessible place, everyone can easily check the list of values daily.

Step 2. Don’t Lose Family Connection.

Don’t lose family connection. This requires spending quality time together. The more time you spend together, the more family memories you’ll create. Quality time will help you get to know each other better. It will help you understand what is most important to each of you individually and as a family unit.

• Set aside time for family activities. You can do something simple like having dinner together or dedicate entire Saturdays to family events.
• Allow every family member to contribute to your activities. For instance, if your daughter loves sports, consider going on a hike together.

Step 3. Make Positive Life Choices.

Make positive life choices. Your values are an important part of the decision-making process. Think about family values before making any major life choices. For example, if education is a family value, ensure you live in an area with good schools.

• Discuss significant life choices with your family. Before making serious changes, hold a family meeting to discuss how potential changes align with family values.

Step 4. Follow Your Values.

Follow your values. The best way to incorporate family values into your daily life is to ensure your actions reflect those values. Make sure the choices you make align with what you consider your most important family values.

• If honesty is your family’s main value, make sure you conduct yourself sincerely and always tell the truth. Apply this value to your work and social life.
• Following values is the best way to help children understand them. For instance, if you value respect, show your children how to behave respectfully by always treating others with respect.

Step 5. Use Family Values to Work on Family Goals.

Use family values to work on family goals. Values are important because they help guide choices and actions. While reflecting on family values, it’s also beneficial to consider family goals. Your values likely play a significant role in achieving those goals.

• Is education one of your family values? Consider translating that value into a specific goal. Think about steps you can take to focus on education as a family. For example, you could all learn a new language together or take cooking classes. This can help unite family values and goals.
• If financial responsibility is a family value, use this guiding principle to ensure every family member understands the importance of budget management. This way, you can achieve goals and save for retirement, college tuition, and more.